…or maybe YOU should say sorry for the assumptions.
BOLD FONT: IMPORTANT (if you cbf to read a WoT and read about my life even though it’s my god damned blog)
I’ve been lurking around for the past two days and noticed some silly assumptions created about my sudden M.I.A.. Well I have to say that the main reason why I ‘left’ abruptly was not a product of a person deliberately hurting me, but because of my own, personal problems. Must you people make a mountain out of a mole hill? Seriously?
Here is a light (or maybe not) account of my previous insanity:
Day01
I was sprinting towards the sun screaming my lungs out; running from my problems, from my life. Trying to subside the pain caused by a major part of my life, which is friendship over the Internet. For years, I have denied this part to be the main part of my happiness and subsequent to my leave, I has been proven utterly wrong. Running only made the situation look pathetic, like doodling pictures of dead people onto a leg cast. It isn’t because I have a shitty social life. In fact, the relationship with my current clique is splendid and has high potential of becoming a decent source of everything a friendship should be. Only that it doesn’t feel the same, online and offline. An incomprehensible account of my social life and happiness? I don’t think so, because I don’t seem to be alone.
In the past few days, I have never felt so out of control, so helpless, so depressed before. I want back the control in my life, the sureness of finding happiness in the next day. Up until now, I still do not know what to do. Because of this, my faith in putting complete, unadulterated trust in humanity has waned. And waned. And fucking waned some more.
Things got worse when my BM teacher told me that I could never get A for PMR, and I was sure to get a B. This was a conclusion from observing my most recent exam paper. Tough love? I hope so. I resolved to prove him wrong. After school, I only did my marching practice for an hour and a half. I couldn’t stand it halfway through because I only got 6 hours of sleep in total since the last day of January. Although I was hoping that my body could withstand the heat, I just gave up, seeing that I had a chance to sneak out when the commander gave us a 2 minute break. I don’t regret leaving.
Oh, and I guess the thing about not being able to fake smiles in my last post was untrue. I realised that I had to pretend to be happy for some part of the day. Thanks to my friends, for the other part of the day, they tried their best to be my jester for the day. Seeing them being genuinely worried for me when they saw me being not as cheerful as usual, I felt so relieved. Looks like friends who sincerely care about me are not extinct.
Day02
Watched ‘When Harry Met Sally’ and realised that I don’t know myself all that well. This was a day much better than the one before, because it was easier to not think about what I should do when I rebound from my depression. Do. Not. Want. To. Think.
I never, ever, ever, stated the reasons why I left. Like I said, personal reasons. I fucking facepalmed when I read some threads regarding my disappearance (how can I not notice my own name during the brief seconds of an accidentally opened window?) Assumptions, assumptions. They ruin the wrong person’s reputation. I wish people would realise what they had done and apologise for the misunderstanding. Is the Internet srz business? NO! Are people who you meet over the Internet after a long period of time jokes? Definitely not. But seems like I am a joke on the forums. Whatever, as if I care anymore. I did not want to come back just to explain some stupid misinterpretation of my blog post, because I know that it’s all one big joke. Besides, I can’t really tell who’s sincere and who is not on the Internet anymore. Actually it’s because I find it too soon for me to return. Too soon to inflict more damage on myself, even though someday I have to return to the cul de sac of my teenage life and face… whatever I need to face. And right wrongs.
For the first time since I turned 15, I feel happy. But it is only because I am in denial. When should I come back? I still don’t feel like coming back, people take me for granted too much.
Day 03
So I read your reply – WTF? A decoy? Great, this is exactly what I need after all of this – and I thought you actually cared, which was why I almost forgave you in an instant. Of course I’ll forgive you, but I’m still pretty unhappy with what you did.
Dreamed about some PPFers. God, I miss them more than I think I do. So, so, so, so much. This is even more depressing. Still don’t know if I should continue or not, because I’m feeling better already. But only because I’m still running away. Besides, I don’t think people really care. I don’t M.I.A. for studies. I don’t believe in abstinence, and if my studies were in jeopardy, I would just limit myself to the PC usage.
One more thing: My sister has been spamming messages with my MSN (I forgot to untick some options) so I am sorry if she caused any interruptions.
Edit: WOW MY SISTER IS A REALLY GOOD IMPERSONATOR LOL
